Kick Me by Paul Feig

Author:Paul Feig
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Fiction
ISBN: 9781400049264
Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
Published: 2002-09-24T10:00:00+00:00

CAN BUY ME LOVE

The whole time I was in school, from kindergarten all the way through graduation, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a crush on some girl.

But I never had fleeting, casual crushes. I had terminal, obsessive crushes. The kind that would last all school year and occasionally flow into the next. The kind that make you sit up at night and stare out windows and walk around in Hallmark stores. The kind that make you misty watching romantic movies, wishing that it was you and Beth or Tina or Julie and not that good-looking movie-star couple who were walking down the beach at sunset, totally and passionately in love. I have a feeling I spent more class periods staring longingly at girls who didn’t know I existed and wishing they were mine than any other kid in the history of the educational system.

Or at least it felt that way to me.

One of my biggest crushes was on a girl named Yvonne. We were in the eighth grade together, and she sat across from me in homeroom. Our class was laid out with two groups of thirty desks facing each other on opposite sides of the large room, creating an open area in the middle where our teacher lectured from—sort of an educational theater-in-the-round. Because of this, I had a direct view of Yvonne each day as she sat forty feet away from me, completely unaware of my existence.

She looked like Veronica Lake with black hair. My mother had made me watch Sullivan’s Travels that summer on the afternoon movie, and I thought that Veronica Lake was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen, even though she only existed in black and white. Even when my mother told me that Veronica Lake was dead, I still couldn’t stop thinking about her. And on the first day of eighth grade, when I saw Yvonne for the first time, I felt as if she had been sent to me from afar, that perhaps Miss Lake had come back to Earth in this form when she heard that the gangly kid with the John Denver haircut had been dreaming about her every night. Yvonne had the same kind of long straight hair as Miss Lake and always had it partially covering her face. Her eyes were very big and exotic-looking. Like the eyes of an Indian princess, I thought poetically. And I would wish for hours on end that those eyes could be staring longingly into mine.

Unfortunately, her eyes were usually staring at our homeroom teacher, Mr. Parks. He was a handsome young guy with a neatly cropped beard like Kenny Loggins’s, and I was convinced that she had a huge crush on him. Mr. Parks would always bring his guitar to class and sing sappy 1960s love songs under the guise of opening us up to the music of his generation. But I knew he was just doing it to steal Yvonne away from me. I was sure of it.

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